hmmmmmm.....................adoption has been put on hold for a bit. Not decided against..just put on hold. It will happen...one day...soon...and I CANNOT wait! Big things are coming...I can tell! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ramblings of life...

Today has been a crazy day filled with five million emotions. Abi is so amazing. She makes me so happy (90% of the time)! Lately she is about all that I find comfort in. I have had more unexpected expenses come up and it is really putting a damper on things. Now I am not sure that tax money is going to be able to be put where it needs to be put. I really was hoping to pay some things off so I was in a better state financially. I guess the adoption is on hold. Not going to say that I have given up because I def have not. Just not gonna happen in the time frame I had hoped for. I really need to take some time any way and figure out who I am before I have another child. I am little lost. I wanna find me again. I have been broken down a lot lately. March is quickly approaching and will bring about a lot of change. I'm scared...scared that I can't do it. I am scared that change isn't what I need right now. Scared that Abi won't like the change. Just scared. I am ready to be the mom that I dream of being for Abi. I am ready to start a career. I am ready for more independence. I had that taken away and it has been incredibly hard getting that back. Just ready for my time to shine.

So adoption is staying on my heart...it is not going away. I am pretty sure I want to adopt internationally. I have talked to several people who have gone through this process and have learned a lot. I know there is SOOOO much more to learn though. My heart right now is in Uganda. Can't find out much about the adoption process there though. Still searching. My heart aches for the children in the Bugobo village. I want to put them all on a plane and nurse them back to health and give them a life they may never know otherwise. I read a shirt the other day of a girl I have been talking about adoption with. It read,"Live simply so others can simply live." Have you ever thought about that. Just cutting out one simple thing could save the anothers life. Those poor babies over there have worms. It only cost about $3 to treat them. I am sure there is something we all spend at least $3 a day on. Could we do without that so someone else could live. Think if we saved only $3 a week, that would be $12 a month. What if 10 people did that? That could treat 40 children with worms. What if all your fellow employees promised to not eat out for one week..or one month... and send that money for a good cause...think of how many childrens lives you and I could touch.

I swayed a bit from adoption that I was going to blog about but this is what came to me. God Bless!

so many thoughts

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster. You see, the idea of adoption has been weighing on my mind a whole lot lately. Through me digging to find answers and a support team, I have be blessed to find some amazing and extremely inspirational people. I still have so many questions and uncertainties. I wish I had the answers. Until I am given them, I will continue to pray. I pray for comfort while struggling with the decisions I am making. I pray that I do God's will. I pray for the courage to move forward with what seems like the impossible if that is what I am supposed to do. I pray for answers. I pray for open doors. I pray for knowledge. I pray for patience. I pray and pray and pray that I figure out what I was put here on this earth to do. What is my purpose? All the while, I pray for all the children who are left out there to find a loving family and a place to call home. I also pray for all those who are trying to bring their children home to them as I type.

Been way too long!

It has been so long since I have blogged anything that I am not even sure where to start. I have had some health issues come about fairly recently. To my knowledge, that is taken care of. All that is left is a stack of dr bills to be paid. That is okay though. I am paying them every month and one day they will be paid off. Nothing really worth stressing over. I have recently started a new job and back to school. The new job is going okay I suppose. Not completely happy with it. It just isn't quite what I had in mind. And it def isn't getting to stay home and teach Abi so its def not ideal. The people there are great though. They are what gets me there in the mornings..well and my paycheck.! School is going alright. It's really just getting kicked off good but I don't think it is going to be too bad. I just took my first algebra test and aced it! It was not easy at all though. That is going to be my one challenging class! Then there is my sweet, precious Abi. It seems unreal to me the love and joy she brings to my world. That little girl is my world. She makes me smile before she ever wakes up in the mornings. Then when she does, my smile gets even bigger. She sings every morning while using the bathroom, brushing her hair, and even tries while brushing her teeth. I love it! She is at such a great age. I love just hanging out with her. I wish we had more time to just hang out rather than the get home, shower, eat, and go to bed schedule we are on. Well, the bed is screaming my name but I will try to write more often.

D

Wow! For the first time in almost two years, I actually feel like I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly believe that my divorce is coming to an end. That will take away a lot of stress. At the same time, I have these horrible mixed feelings though. Just being separated is no better than being divorced really but that D word freaks me out a little. I hate the thought of having to say I ever was married and that I failed at making it work. Its almost that I am marked for life as a failure and that aspect of it really bothers me. Now, other than that, I can only see good coming from it. I know some things will be hard for Abi in the future with her dad and I not being together but there are other things that will be better since she will not be seeing the example we would be giving her of how a marriage is supposed to be. ...... falling asleep... will finish tomorrow!

Missing him....

Man I miss Shawn so much. It sounds crazy because he was just at the house last night till after midnight. It seems lately that I have had no time with just him though and its really wearing on me. I want, and need for that matter, one day to just be us and laugh and talk together with no other worries or distractions. The past three or four days has been worse than normal. I know I have been in a horrible mood but I really think its a whole lot combined that is making us act this way towards each other. He has to work tonight and I have to work tomorrow so I probably will not see him till Monday night after work! Ugh... that seems like forever away.