Missing him....

Man I miss Shawn so much. It sounds crazy because he was just at the house last night till after midnight. It seems lately that I have had no time with just him though and its really wearing on me. I want, and need for that matter, one day to just be us and laugh and talk together with no other worries or distractions. The past three or four days has been worse than normal. I know I have been in a horrible mood but I really think its a whole lot combined that is making us act this way towards each other. He has to work tonight and I have to work tomorrow so I probably will not see him till Monday night after work! Ugh... that seems like forever away.

Rainy days

Well.... what to do today? Its raining outside and I do not want to spend a bunch of money. Abi says she just wants to splash in mud puddles. That should be fun and not cost any money! I think we may just do that. I wish I could take my camera outside though and get some pictures. Oh well. Maybe the rain will stop soon and I will do that.

Diesel tx + Life lessons

The past few days have been very challenging for me. I have worried myself sick of this divorce. I finally decided to listen to a good friend who said just turn it all over to God. I am doing that to the best of my ability. Of course I still think about it but I just pray that he will take care of it all so that it works out in Abi's favor. Something else happened yesterday that was really awesome to me. I feel like we are all put here to do a certain job and to help people as much as we can while we are here. Yesterday an older gentleman come in looking for some diesel fuel treatment. He was very nice but I could tell he had faced some health problems in his day. As I cashed him out he began telling me he had lost his son, his one and only child. All he said for a long time was that he was killed and he never expected his childs life to be taken before his own. "Its the hardest thing you will ever go through", was what he kept saying over and over. I could tell he wanted to talk about it so I began asking questions. I asked if he lost him due to a car accident. He told me no. He lost him through a nasty divorce. His son was killed by a third party in his marriage. Can you imagine having to be around his daughter in law so he can see his grandchildren now? He was teary eyed the whole time but stayed very strong. The store was getting full but for some reason, I did not care. They could wait. This particular time was this man's time to talk about his feelings and I was going to listen. He then told me how much it had effected his beloved wife. At the time of his sons death, this man had degenerative muscle disease. He was very sick and could barely care for himself. Then when his wife started to go downhill, he knew he had to be strong and take care of her. He said that even though it seemed like there was no hope for things getting better, he turned everything over to God and begged him for his health back. He just wanted to be healed enough to help his wife after her stroke and heart attack. To see the man now is a miracle. He has no walker or cane, he can speak full sentences, and has such a positive attitude about life. This man walked away with a smile on his face, saying he would return with pictures of his great grandson wearing the same tie his late son wore as a child. I told him I couldn't wait. You see, there was a purpose for that man walking through the doors at Napa. I don't think it was for fuel treatment either. Wether he knew it or not, he was there to help me in my time of trouble. Hopefully me letting him talk about his feelings helped him out too. I sure hope so. One of my coworkers saw him as a man who just needed a friend, someone who just makes up reasons to get out of the house. Or maybe he just wants someone to feel sorry for the hardships he has had to face in life. I do not think any of those are true. My day was only bad until the moment he walked in. Our conversation made me realize that I have one awesome little girl that I already adore. But I realized that I, way too often, take for granted that she will be here tomorrow. Our time on Earth here is way too short and I should cherish every minute of it. I realized that divorce can be much worse and that I should thank God that mine is going as well as it is. I realized that if you turn your problems over to God that he will take care of you. I realized that miracles do happen. Ask and you shall receive. I learned a lot from that man and I truly hope he comes back to show me the pictures he was talking about so that I can thank him for sharing his story with me.
I also learned that you never know what other people are going through. Be kind, considerate and thoughtful to others. I very easily could have blown him off, helped him, rang up his items, and rushed him out the door. Icould tell there was something more though. To think I could have robbed him of helping someone for the day or that I would have been robbed of being touched like I was, really bothers me. I hope this was an eye opener that I will never forget and always remember to be aware of those around me.

Baby Girl

May the sunlight find your face
Even when the rain does fall
And get back on your feet again
Every time you trip and fall
Keep your heart wide open
And always taking in
And even when it's broken
Be strong enough to fix it up again

Oh little baby girl
Sweet little baby girl
Be strong in this great big world
Oh little baby girl

And I hope your hands are steady
And never need to make a fist
And I hope that when you're ready
You get one never ending kiss
And I hope that deep inside of you
There's a sweet eternal song
And I hope the words are pretty
And that you'll always sing along

And I hope your friends are many
And your laughter's always loud
To help you when you're lonely
And pick you up when you're down
I hope your eyes shine bright love
And learn to see the light
Take the time to listen
Decide yourself what's wrong or right
Oh little baby girl
Sweet little baby girl
Be strong in this great big world
Oh little baby girl

Out of Control

Here lately I have turned in to quite the control freak. I hate it! I feel on edge every where I go and have gotten to be over protective of Abi. I can't let go of her arm in the grocery store.... I make her go in the bathroom with me... I keep my doors locked.... I always sleep with my door closed and I have been leaving it open, in fear that someone will break into my house and take her from me.... I want to spend every minute with her. I do not know if this is because of the whole custody issue or what. And it is not just with issue of Abi. I found myself feeling super uncomfortable with Shawn driving the car the other day. I felt like I had no control at all and that mine and my daughters life was completely in his hands. I trust him but it was just a weird feeling. When Abi comes to my work, I make her follow me around because I am afraid a customer will take her or something. I wonder if this is all normal. Will it end or do I need some serious help? I just pray that this all ends soon and good results come from it!
I love you Abi with all my heart!!!

Why.. Why... Why??

So today has been one of those days. I have felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. To start off the morning, I was super tired. I had set the alarm to go to the gym. Well guess what. I did not make it. I hit the darn snooze many times, not only giving up going to the gym, but making myself three minutes late to work. Now, in case you do not know, I absolutely despise being late... ANY where! I would rather be thirty minutes early and waiting on everyone else than to be late. Anywho.... Get to work and right off the bat, my boss gets grumpy with me. Well guess what... not a good day for that because I had that same grumpiness going on and wasn't going to sit there and take anyones crap! Lets just say thats not good for business! Day goes on and I just can not get it together. I had soooo much on the brain. First of all, August is soon approaching, which means for me, a whole lot more bills! Ech! I have no idea how I am going to do all that. That also means that Abi will be starting school and there will be no more picking her up at 6:00pm. How in the world am I going to do that?? I lay awake at night trying to figure all this out but I have come up with no solution and its really taking a toll on me. Then there is the D word. Enough said. That will be a whole different blog I am sure. On top of all these horrible thoughts today, out of nowhere I started thinking about all the many blessings I have received over the past few years that I really did not deserve. Here is where the basket case part comes in. I, for a couple hours, was on top of the world. Then who knows what hit me but I was back to thinking about all the things I long for. ... a soul mate...another child... a house... a yard... a career... a life. Then back into the black hole I slip. I am working on all my goals but it is such a long process. Why? Why? Why? I feel like a child sometimes because I wonder that so often. I need to find my faith again and live my life the way I used to. Then I know I would find more satisfaction in all I have and all I do. Why is that such a hard thing to do???

This weekend

Well, this weekend has been a pretty good one. Abi was so good for me. We got to spend some one on one without anything else standing in our way and that was much needed. I almost hated to let her go to her dad's today. Tomorrow is off to work again. I really need to find a job where the hours will work with Ab's school a little more. I am not sure how I am going to work things once she starts school. Hopefully with a lot of prayers, it will all work out.
I think Shawn & Jacob and Abi & I are going to get some pictures taken by Nicki. I am super excited about that. Nicki did such a good job the last time she did some for me. And I love the fact that Shawn and Jacob get their pictures done every year. I think that is so sweet.

Ok so here is one of the pictures we took today. We did not take very many really but how many different poses do you want in your pajamas anyway? Every pose was what Abi chose to do except for one. She was most def running the show. In fact, she has now decided that she should be a photographer because she knows she could be the best at it! I will post the rest of the pictures to my myspace if you want to check them out there. www.myspace.com/tishawatts or www.myspace.com/441231245

School is approaching quickly...

OMG...... Abi and I went out today to just kill some time and hang out. We decided we would start on out school shopping. WOAH.. that totally freaks me out. She should not be big enough for school yet. I have heard so many people say that this is when time really starts to fly by. I do not want it to. It seems like it already has gone by way too fast. Anyway, we did not really get too much because she is so darn picky. Anything and everything that I liked was not near "fancy" enough for her. She wanted everything to have some 'bling' on it. I did get her a couple things though. I found a lady who makes the cutest hairbows and much to my surprise, she only lives one street over from where I used to. I used to walk by her house everyday. I wish I would have found her sooner!

Oh yeah, Abi and I are having our pictures done tomorrow. We bought ourselves matching Camp Rock pajamas and are so excited. We even got hairbows to go with them. lol. I will post pictures as soon as I get some.

Getting back to it..

It has been a while since I have been on here. I was inspired by a friend today to start it all back up. I have always been one to be able to write what I am thinking a feeling a lot easier than I can say them.

Things have been pretty crazy in my world lately... There are parts of my life that I absolutely love and others I would change in a blink if I could.

I will get into all that soon I am sure. For now, I am going to stop and enjoy some time with my angel bug!